Growing up, I felt like there were clear rules as to what was right, wrong, good, or bad.

As the oldest daughter in a Southern Baptist household – I didn’t ask questions.  I got with any program – quickly. 

I was always so confused when I met others that clearly were not held to the same standard that was required of me.  How did they get to do that? and Wouldn’t they get in trouble? were daily questions I would ask myself.

I have learned that doing everything right is something that is both spoken and observed.  Spoken is the obvious: go to school, get good grades, stay out of trouble, be nice to people – eventually that turns into: go to college, get an internship, get a job, make good friends, don’t get distracted by boys…and that’s literally where it stopped for me.  Which, is fine, was fine…until I got to New York City. 

Down south, I was very comfortable.  I felt like I was able to do what I want, when I wanted, how I wanted.  I had my family close, I had my friend group, I had whatever guy I was talking to at the time, and I had my career (really, it was an internship – but we must start somewhere).  The guy I was dating my senior year in college said I was a Big Fish in a Small Pond.  Very funny. We didn’t last very long after that conversation where he continued by saying that I was a Small Fish in a Big Pond once I moved to New York – and he was right.

New York is a different type of beast.  It’s a whoooooleeeeee different set of rules – and baby I was not prepared.  I was not prepared to introduce myself to people 2 – 3 times before they remembered me.  I was not prepared for people to act differently based on who was around.  Where I came from, that, was rude. Just rude!  At 22 I was confused, but I quickly caught on.  Remember that line sister I said was in the city, we quickly realized what was going on and clocked it – but ultimately we played the game hahaha.

This world had different rules to do everything right.  First, you had to go to a decent school – bonus points if you have a post-secondary degree from a top-tier school.  Then, you have to have a prestigious career – if they cant decipher what you do in 10 seconds, its over.  Oh, and housewife/stay at home daughter because you or your parents made good choices – that’s a prestigious career.  You get extra points for that.  Next, you must be seen with the right people at the right places.  Do you vacation on the Vineyard?  How about the Hamptons?  Did you go to the gala for the Arts School in the city?  Who are you dating?  Or even better, were you at the intimate birthday party that was all over partiful?  Yaaaa – it goes deep.  My favorite one is the one that I didn’t even know was a thing.  “Oh, was your mom in *insert organization* or your dad in *insert organization*”?  This is the one question that they use to see if you belong.

I always found it interesting…because for people that had that in their back pocket, very few of them impressed me.  But maybe that’s the privilege.  Maybe the privilege is that you don’t have to do everything right when you have a certain status.  To this day, this concept confuses me.  I always wondered how I could meet people that had sooooo much more than me – but didn’t follow the rules that I thought were required to have a good life.  On the flip side, maybe that’s the burden that I must bear.  Maybe I must do everything right to create a new legacy of women, for women in my bloodline.

During my 2.5 mile walk this morning (I love getting my steps), I was reflecting on the blessings that I have in life.  I have 2 degrees from the most prestigious institutions in the world (first in my family to do so), I have amazing friends globally, I have great and diverse experiences, I have a boyfriend (a partner) that I live with (and every day I fall more and more with him as he takes care of me), and I have freedom. 

Out of this list, the only thing that I think wasn’t right was the fact that I’m living with my boyfriend, and we’re not married (or even engaged) yet.  But honestly, I’m okay with that.  I feel that this is a lesson in partnership and patience.  Because of these rules that I had in my head, I never thought about how I should contribute to a relationship outside of financially.  I never thought that cooking, cleaning, ensuring that you have a calm household, being supportive and essentially being a pleasure brings more to a relationship than money could ever have. 

Honestly, if you would have told me this in 2019 – I would not have believed you.  Isn’t it funny how God works.

Back to my story – outside of all this, I have the blessing of chasing dreams at my big age of 30.  Thirty.  30 was always an age where I thought for sure I would be married, with a white picket fence, and a house.  Seriously, I thought I would be back in Atlanta working at the shop I was at in college.  That literally was my plan.  So imagine when I turned 30 in business school, while in Orlando, shadowing my boyfriend at a medical conference.  Life is funny sometimes.  No job, no husband, no kids, and definitely no house.  I have since realized that I’m in the middle of my story.  I actually get to create my dream life and figure out what it takes to get there.  Truly, a blessing.

Since I have all this time, I’ve been thinking a lot about how I want my life to look.  What type of job do I want, shoot, what type of career do I want?  What type of work, life balance do I want to have?  How do I want to be present and show up for my husband, my kids, my father, my sister, my friends?  How do I want to present myself?  What do I want my home life to look like?  What do I want my social life to look like?  How much money do I want in my household and what am I truly willing to do to get it?  These are some real questions. 

Honestly, if you would’ve asked me in 2019 – all my answers would have been fake.  My answers would be something that meant that I did everything right – whatever that even means.  I now have my own rules as to what it means to do everything right and honestly, I’ve realized the key to doing everything right is authenticity.  If I can wake up by the grace of God every morning and showcase his glory and grace through my presence, actions, and words, while living out the dreams that he has placed on my heart – then I think I’ve done everything right.